SO last night the shit hit the fan....

You know how I had started a fast? yeah, thanks to my illustrious boyfriend, that fast went bye bye yesterday afternoon at about 3pm. He asked if I had eaten and I told him the truth (big mistake!) so he drove me straight to this Italian resaurant and bought a HUGE meatball sandwich >:/............And to top it all off, he pinned me down after forcing me to eat it (I mean sitting right next to me holding my hands w/ the sandwich in them and physically bringing the sandwich up to my mouth and shoving it in my mouth) now, my first reaction to things is physical, I can't control my face muscles so I smile, but then as he was forcing me I starting tearing up and tears were coming down my face. So as I was sobbing as he was feeding me, the sandwich eaten, then he let go and I saw my chance so I bolted for the door to the bathroom. He grabbed me so fast and then swung me around and pinned me down to the bed to keep me from purging which only made me hysterically angry, and I'm surprised at myself for not really fighting back, just pushing w/ my arms and legs, twisting, etc. I know for a fact I don't have a chance in all hell to get away or even go against him because I'm only 5'2'', 117 lbs and he's 5'11'', 230 lbs. I know he means well and I know that because as he had me pinned down, he broke down and was crying and, amazingly, calmly telling me how he had been pretending to be okay w/ all my issues and how he wants me to stop or he will be doing this everytime I come over to his house, how he loves me, how he wants to have me healthy, etc.

This reaction from him forcing me to eat and then forcing me to stay on his bed and not letting me go to the bathroom to relieve my stomach and mind, I  have to admit that my mind is torn completely in half. My love for my lifestyle is hopping mad that I allowed him to take the liberty of forcing me to do what he wanted and foiling my dreams of getting back to where I once was and how I've fucked up royally and now I'll never be tiny again as long as I'm w/ him, and my common sense is screaming at me saying that my love for him will help me get over this once and for all and that it's obvious that he's not taking it anymore....